College wasn’t the best time of my life. I didn’t stand outside smelly frat houses each week, lips stained red, and giggle at all the right moments while a stranger whispered sweet nothings into my ear.
That just wasn’t me.
But it was hard, in it’s own way, and I fell flat on my face some days. Some semesters. After, I emerged feeling like I had this whole life thing down.
It’s only been two months since then, but it already feels like I get daily lessons about what really matters and what’s true today. Here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. We work to live. Careful, now. Don’t think too hard on that one. When it sunk in, I felt this deep ache in my stomach, like it was the secret nobody had told me. All my life had been about achieving the next level, and now I was just working to pay the rent and the electric bill and the groceries. That was the big reason to get up in the morning?
2. Find pride in those hours. Some of us will sell Nathan’s hot dogs and large diet cokes beneath striped umbrellas. Others will haul packages into corporate offices. I will write stories of dogs whose lives are better because they had surgery done. And I will feel good inside, warm inside, because of that. Whether we vend food or deliver reams of paper or offer stories of hope, that makes my first lesson okay.
2. You have worth. I think, in some ways, I was waiting for college graduation to brand me not just with a diploma, but also a level of reassurance that now, I would have to be taken seriously. Now, people would answer my emails. Now, I would deserve as much respect as the person trying to cut me off in the middle of traffic. When that didn’t happen, when I didn’t cross an imaginary line, I had to go out and decide it myself. And every day from now on, I have to decide it.
4. It’s never what you expect. Just yesterday, I caught myself telling my coworker, “Hold on a second. I’ll Google it.” When said problem didn’t resolve itself, even after I followed the How To guide, I realized this: you can have all the knowledge you want about a certain decision or task, but it’s the next step that dispels all of that. That’s where the learning really begins.
5. No one expects rainbows. It’s been hard. These months have been downright difficult, at moments. And for so long, I held that feeling inside because I thought my strength lay not in handling life, but pretending to be fine just fine whenever anyone asked how I was handling life. Major changes? They’re hard. Always. Don’t be afraid to say that out loud. It feels good.
The one thing that seriously intimidates me about all this is that there is so much to learn. And so many years left. And what we take as truth today may shift drastically depending on the consequences of tomorrow. That’s scary. But at least, for now, it helps to write it down.
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Wow girl, thank you for writing this. I am two months out as well and I felt the same thing. Especially the first one I can so relate. You have a beautiful spin to this and I really appreciate and needed to hear all of this.
Glad it resonated. It was weird when that first one hit me right after graduation. I was almost laughing trying to process it, but then it got really scary. Maybe it’s the ambition in me. Are you the same way?
You’re drowning in chocolate – it’s really hard, but it’s really good. (Words spoken by one of my favorite men on the planet.)
Kaleigh, I’m new to your blog and probably older than most of your followers, but you touched on feelings I had in my own youth and feeling my daughters probably experience today. It made me think about how our truths may shift, but our intensity and emphasis we put on those truths shift as well, but more under our control as we learn more and know ourselves better through our expeiences. The important thing is to make sure we hold on to the core truths like “You have worth.” Then what you believe and the decisions you make about work, knowledge, rainbows, what defines “fine” in your life, the ability to know the difference between sweet nothings and sweet somethings when they’re whispered in your ear, and your ever-evolving ambitions are no longer as scary because they are tied together by a common theme of self-love and pride and power in your decisions and what you ultimately do with your life. And, at some point the things you’ve done are no longer external choices but they become intrinsic to who you are, it becomes your core and your core grounds you (even as things in your life will invariably still shift around you) and it makes the world a much less scary place to be. Good luck in everything you do, Kaleigh, I think you’re awesome!
Was just thinking about those words the other day. It certainly deserves a place on my mirror or wall. Maybe a Kelsey-made canvas.
Rosemary, this comment of yours makes me so happy. I don’t even know where to begin except to say thank you for sorting out the mess that so often sits inside my head as I shift and grow and hopefully learn to become who I want to be. I’m glad my words can ring true even for people who have children of their own.